Communicate what you mean pdf
As a couple matures, these conversations are apt to happen less often and be less loaded but they are still important. In the early years of a relationship, conversations about what was said versus what was meant can be frequent and can go into the wee hours of the morning.
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Knowing how to interpret each other’s signals is the basis of trust and intimacy. When both people put aside their defensiveness and work hard to get each other on the meta-level, the couple becomes more and more secure. Making the effort to truly understand the other’s meaning is one of the most significant acts of love.
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What’s for dinner?” they’re headed for a fight.Ĭouples that work are couples who take the time to learn each other’s nonverbal code as well as each other’s verbal language. How about a glass of wine?” If he is already pouring that wine and smiling at her sympathetically, she’ll melt into his arms. Please give me a hug and a kiss and don’t ask much of me for a little bit while I unwind. In the case of our young couple: her “fine” with a shrug and a sigh is code for “I’ve had a miserable day. There’s a whole conversation going on beneath the surface. Metacommunication is all the nonverbal cues (tone of voice, body language, gestures, facial expression, etc.) that carry meaning that either enhance or disallow what we say in words. In the early 1970s, Gregory Bateson coined the term to describe the underlying messages in what we say and do. This is what’s called “metacommunication” in action. If he is tired himself and was only responding to the ordinary social exchange, he will feel unjustly accused and may protest his innocence – which will only make her mad enough to say some version of, “you’re not listening” or “you just never understand.” The ordinary question, “How was your day?” escalates into a fight with both members of the couple eventually pouting in their respective corners, each feeling right but also misunderstood and disconnected. She may even accuse him of not listening to her and not loving her enough. If the guy accepts the “fine” at face value and moves on, she’s likely to be hurt. What happens next is critical to the growth and stability of the couple. “Fine,” she says with a shrug and a sigh. But imagine the interchange happening between a young couple at the end of a long and tiring workday.